A Turn for the Worst

Imagine looking around at your room -your habitat, the place where you feel safe and comfortable- and not knowing how much longer you have in that place. Not knowing if you'll be staying in that place for much longer. Tonight, that is exactly what I've been doing.

Today, I fell off of the tip of the knife that I have been balancing precariously on for the past seven years. Today, I found out that my stepdad was staying somewhere else because he and my mom got into a fight...again. This time it was the straw that broke the camel's back. And it was over something so stupid too. My brother was asked to walk the dog and he didn't do it because he claimed it was raining. My stepdad was scolding my brother for it, kind of laughing at him about it and my mom told him, nicely, that what he was doing wasn't helping her do her job. And my stepdad blew up.

My mom told me today that she didn't know if they were gonig to try to work things out. Apparently they had attended marriaging counseling previously. I was not aware of this. Also, my mom told me that she knew my stepdad had somewhat of an anger issue. She had hoped that they could work on it. Yeah right. Now looks where it's gotten us! She told me that she was trying to hold out until me and my brother each graduated high school.

My mom assures me that whatever happens, she will keep me and my brother in the same school district. I don't want to go to the school at my dad's because it is not that great of a school. the school I attend now is so much better with greater opportunities. I don't want to change schools....for the fourth time (Not including transitions to middle school and high school).

So right now as I'm sitting in my room, my sanctuary, I don't know if I'll be able to stay here. I don't know if I'll be leaving soon, leaving my familar room behind for a smaller, more cramped room. I don't know if somehow something will happen where I end up being able to stay. I just don't know. Everything is uncertain right now. It's all up in the air.

When my Dad finds out about what happens, things will only get worse for me. He will be pushign for me to go to school over there, and I don't want that. That is the last thing I want. He'll be pestering me and my mom about the school situation, about our home situation, and he might even go out on a limb and try to gain full custody of me and my brother.

I really hope that doesn't happen. I wish I could just be a kid again. A kid with no such worries as I have at this point in my life. With so much approaching in the near future with college and my career and stuff, I don't need all of this family issues either. I really don't.

Of course, no matter what happens though, i will be strong for my family. For my mom, for my brother, I will be strong. I have to be. If not me, then who? Only the weakest rocks crack under pressure. I 'm no piece of shale. So whatever happens, happens. I just have to focus on my school work and not let this affect my grades in any way. It might be hard, but i can do it. I know I can.

Peace out,
Jay~Jay